I Want to be a Liberal Vigilante

What makes me say "liberal," you ask? Well, let's review some vigilantes and superheroes, and you'll see what I mean.

First, an example of the real thing:

The Minutemen: This group of lovely right-minded people so strongly opposes illegal immigration that they take things into their own hands. I'm not entirely opposed to their mission, but I do feel that groups like this (Blackwater, for example) are prone to abusing their powers, and it's only a matter of time before something bad happens as a result.

Now, for the sci-fi and comic book type:

Iron Man aka Tony Stark: This guy was born rich, and became an industry leader at a young age. With a keen business sense, the first thing that he does is get involved in the Vietnam War to help our side. This sets him up to be a Republican, a defense contractor, and possibly a war profiteer.

Superman aka Clark Kent: Ok, come on now. Alien, so therefore you can associate him with Roswell and coverups. I'm already smelling a Republican. He was raised in a small town in Iowa, too? Oh, well now... So what's his day job? He's a reporter! I mean come on people, the liberal press just doesn't exist anymore! I wouldn't be surprised if the Daily Planet was owned by Rupert Murdoch!

The Punisher aka Frank Castle: C'mon people! Gun nut! You must know this guy has his NRA license tattooed into his arm or something. That, and he's in favor of the death penalty!

Ok, so, have I proved my point here? What I'm saying is that the liberals don't really have anybody cool on their side. So follow my reasoning:

Larry Craig, Mark Foley, Ted Stevens... These guys are all blatant criminals. And they're not even the worst of it. For perhaps the first time in history, there doesn't seem to be a good guy in the entire upper echelon of our government! Not even a Deep Throat of our time!

We need a new hero, someone who can rise to the challenge! Someone who is inherently good: A Liberal!

The Liberal will fight for truth, e-mail records, the Justice Department, and the American Flag! He'll use alternative transportation (c'mon, if Al Gore's son can do 100 in a Prius, surely we can come up with a great alternative transportation method for our hero!)! Power his secret lair entirely with geothermal energy (because after all, if it's a lair, it must be underground, so therefore is closer to the naturally warm core of the earth)! And he'll force the Truth from the evil Republicans!

His powers would be the ability to find lost e-mails, no matter how hard you've tried to lose them, see through deceptive media practices, locate billions in missing Iraqi Reconstruction funds, and reveal the truth behind the Cheney energy conferences!

Working names: The Liberal, Liberal Scum...

Ok, so, I need more creativity, and besides, "Cindy Sheehan" was taken.